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i used to cry, sometimes daily, because all i wanted to do was nurse rose. i just wanted to be able to pop her on the boob and have her be happy. but she wasn't having any of that. so i pumped and gave her bottles :/

with ruby, i catch myself being thankful for our very very succcessful nursing relationship. not as often as i should be. but often enough to remember the pain.

ruby is my happy little jelly. her personality is ...contagious! one glance at her and she smiles so BIG and BRIGHT! I am so lucky.

I love my girls. I love our little family. I am happy.
i have put off writing this story for an incredibly long time. ruby is almost five months old!! once you get to the end, you'll realize why. this will be uncensored and pretty unedited (who has time for that shit?).

so on december 17th, my friend kara came over with her daughter alora, so that we could finish working on a blanket that she was making for the baby in her belly (who is now born and cute as fn hell), xavier. we finished it, the girls played. i told her "i've been having these pains, but i really don't know if they're contractions or what. it wasn't like this with rose" ("it wasn't like this with rose" became a recurring statement that night...still is)). She said "i have this awesome app on my phone that will time contractions! so we timed them, and they were ten minutes apart. whatever. i called midwife lori "i'm not sure what's going on, they come and go" and she said "well i'll come over and we will just check you out and see what's going on." Lori came over and said "you're dialated to a four, do you want me to strip your membranes?" and i said "if this is fucking labor, then let's fucking do this" despite all of my despise for any and all types of labor indduction. pot.kettle.black. i know. so she hung out for a little bit, and then said "well i am going to go home. i will find all of my gear and then call you. if you don't think it's labor then i'll stay home!" when she called back i said "yes, its labor. come on back"

our friend danielle, was bringing over a delivery of daiya cheese that night. she was supposed to go out of town for an 18 hour drive to arizona the next day. she was just making sure i got my package before she left. i had been hoping that danielle would be able to be here for the birth for a LONG TIME. she was scheduled to leave town on my estimated due date, december 18th (which is when ruby was born, her EDD!). i had been dreading the day all along :/ i wanted danielle here so badly. she's such an amazing motherly figure. she takes care of people really well, is a great friend, and rose fn loves her (in case rose needed someone to watch her). she ended up staying for the entire thing and was a day late in starting her trip <3

I had asked our neighbor taylor (who i hadn't really spoken to in moths due to a falling out) if she would be nice enough to watch rose for a few hours while we got the house ready for labor/newborn baby. i wanted to clean everything. not because it needed to be clean for labor, but because i knew i wouldn't have time for weeks after ruby was born to do those things myself (and i was soooo right!). so ray and i set about to cleaning the bathroom, putting away and washing dishes, just general cleaning. i wrote out a guide on the washer for our diaper laundry routine and then explained it to ray :) oh boy would he end up needing that (we do diaper laundry at least once a day now with two in cloth)!!

Taylor brought rose over about an hour past roses bedtime and said "she can stay with us, it's not a problem at all" and i said "but what if it's not really labor and i would HATE to do that to you guys and have her sleep horribly." so ultimately, i decided to have ray put her to bed upstairs. i must say here that she slept through the ENTIRE ordeal.

So here I was, my estranged neighbor BFF, danielle, ray and lori (who came back at some point, i can't remember.) I labored for a long long while on the ball. With my knees on the ground and my arms wrapped around the circumference. i had read from many sources that this particular position helped open up the pelvis. and since i knew i had a BAB (big ass baby) in there, i def wanted to utilize that position. once rose went to bed, we moved the operation in to our bedroom. ray started filling up the birth pool. he ninja'd the air compressor (LOUD ASS AIR COMPRESSOR) into our bedroom closet and filled the pool without an issue. same with the water, no issue. <3. Lynsey the birth photographer had come at some point as well.

at some point, lori put a pillow underneath my knees while i was on the ball because my knees were killing me. i was getting overwhelmed with all the chitter chatter going in the room so i went out to the kitchen to ....?? grab something to eat? who knows. i had on rays oversized sweater because it was SO cold in the rest of the house compared to our bedroom which had the 100 degree pool in it! i was just chillin in the kitchen, breathing through contractions thinking "this is it. this is so different from my labor with rose. is this REALLY it?" when ray came out to check on me, we hugged. had a minute together as a couple. i felt the need to go back to the "birth circle" though, my group of women (+ray). I went to the bathroom to pee and i'm pretty sure that's when i decided that i needed to get into the birth pool. so out i came, naked. in front of my lady friends and husband. it was all over with now!!

Everything was so different then my labor with rose. with my labor with rose, as soon as the contractions were "omg for sure contractions" i went into the zone. i couldn't pay attention to much outside stimuli, or anything for that matter. i was just focusing on my uterus doing it's job. "lets get this shit DONE, rose!" With ruby's labor, i was able to laugh and talk with my friends. It was...weird.

Well, eventually everyone started falling asleep on the bed, floor, chair. Lori would wake up to time my contractions. I don't remember how far apart they were. I just remember thinking "they're not close enough, but god do they hurt." That's when I went into the zone. The contractions started hurting SO bad. I eventually got to the "i can't do this anymore" point. I think that's when danielle woke up and started help to coach me. "you can do this robin! you're so amazing, mama! god this is beautiful!" as she's crying haha. At some point, taylor had left. She hadn't told her husband that she was planning on staying for the birth, and didn't have her phone with her. she knew he would be waking up for work soon. but i didn't notice her leave, i just noticed that she wasn't there any longer.

Thank fucking god for that pool. I would recommend that pool to any home birther in a heart beat. we were lucky enough to find someone to lend it to us for FREE (liners are available). It has handles though, and when a contraction came, they were the only thing that offered me ANY control over the situation.

I eventully started pushing, holding on to the sides of the pool. I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere though. Then I leaned up against the edge of the pool with my knees up and pushed. Still, no where. Squatting. Then all fours. Nothing. I told lori that i needed to get out onto the bed so i could have help. She said "like you did with rose? well look, we can help you right here!" so danielle and ray got down and dirty and they each held one knee (they were outside of the pool) while i pushed. rubys head kept coming out. but not far enough. at one point i said "OH GOD I POOPED!" and lori said "no you didn't! you're fine!" and then she said "oh! no! there it is!" as it floated up haha. best part of the labor ;) i also puked a few times in there (thanks danielle for holding the trash can!), had bloody show. my water popped right as i was getting frustrated with pushing and not getting anywhere.

So her head would come out, and then go back in. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. i just remember danielle saying "you can do this robin! you're the best mom i know! look at you! oh god there's her head, it's so beautiful!" and crying at that last part haha. lori kept shining rays huge ass mag light down there so she could see, and the reflection off of the water right into my eyes was killing my vibe. i kept telling her to "fucking stop that shit, lori." Eventually, ray started blocking the reflection with his hand <3 she was also being all annoying wanting to "make sure the baby was okay" PSH! with her doppler. haaa!

now...this is where it gets confusing (for me). and why i didn't want to write this. ruby was stuck. but I'm not quite sure what happened. i remember lori telling me multiple things, but i can't remember what order they happened in. because at the time, i didn't even know they were happening.

Lori checked and said "okay shes trying to breathe, you have to get out of the water now NOW NOW!" and ray pulled me out (apparently i was already on my hands and knees at this point?)... (i'm totally unsure where he found that strength, hello 260 lbs sack of potatoes). Lori said "PUSH ROBIN! PUSSSSSH!" and i screamed back "I AM!" and that's when she decided that there was no more time for fucking around because i was obviously pushing as hard as i could and she was NOT coming out.

she shoved both arms (yes,both arms. i am not exaggerating when i say midway up her forearm) up inside of my vagina and got that damn baby out her damn self :) apparently ruby had shoulder dystocia (where the baby is stuck in the birth canal by their shoulders), but she had also had her chord pinched between one of her shoulders and my pelvic bone. So at some point, she had started breathing (because her head was out), and then stopped (and didn't rotate the rest of her body out because she wasn't breathing anymore). Anyway, Lori SOMEHOW caught ruby with her own two hands (slippery baby, water birth, and from the mom being in an upward position with gravity to assist) and moved her over to our bed. she had me move closer, told danielle call 911 at some point and had started bagging (when they use the little hand held bagger breathing machine thing) Ruby. she said that she has never bagged a baby as long as she bagged ruby (about a minute and a half-two minutes). Ruby was still hooked up to my placenta that entire time, so she was getting oxygen at least. I had no clue what the fuck had just happened. I just knew lori had ripped my baby out of my vagina and she wasn't breathing. I remember hearing the sirens coming and thinking "oh my god, they're coming to MY house." Ray was busy yelling at ruby to "come on ruby! come and say hi to us! you've gotta meet your crazy big sister, rose" and danielle was busy calling 911, the only person not doing anything was lynsey. As soon as we made eye contact and she could see how scared i was, she came over to me and i hysterically sobbed on to her, while laying over rays back, for what seemed like an eternity. i guess it was only two minutes. but man does it feel like an eternity when something like that is going on. i guess ruby started breathing, i was too busy having a pity party to notice. lynsey said "see, shes breathing! shes fine!" i looked over and there was my little BIG girl. breathing and choking and being suctioned by lori and petted by ray. lori gave ray some stumbled orders to get the oxygen tank so i had to lean on lynsey instead, with ray gone now. that woman is amazing <3 eventually, we cut the cord. a rushed hurried affair that lynsey was too busy to get pictures of.

EMS walked in, except we didnt need them. baby was out. baby was breathing. her breaths were excellerated, but lori was okay with waiting to see if they leveled out on their own before we drug her into some fn hospital for no reason. so here i am, stark naked, with a chord hanging out of my vagina. they were all trying to see what was going on, but as soon as they saw the baby was okay, mom was okay, and that the placenta wasn't even delivered yet...they all left the room and let us finish our business. the only way i can successfully deliver a placenta is to squat, it gets the job done without any pushing. and who has any energy left for that after pushing out a fucking BABY?!

after the placenta was delivered EMS came in, i filled out the AMA (against medical advice) form. when i asked "why do you think i and my baby SHOULD go to the hospital?" he replied "well we think all babies should be born in hospitals, around medical staff." Nice. Like that's a good enough fucking reason for me to leave my house. dicks. I was way too out of it to even understand what was going on any way though. I just asked Lori "do you think I should go? whats going on?" and she said "no, everyone is fine for now. we can always drive up there later if we need to." The entire time, ray was up against the wall with ruby and her oxygen tube :)

At some point, lori actually hopped in to the pool with me. So of course, she was standing there, covered in blood and vernix until things calmed down and ray could get some clothes for her to get dressed with. ray said "i just looked over and suddenly lori was half naked, putting on my shirt?" haha.

Lori decided that ruby had gestational diabetes and that her blood sugars were low. she needed either milk, or formula, asap. i was crushed. not only was i fucking BEYOND crushed because EMS was called to my happy little home birth, but now she needed FORMULA? Then Lynsey said "well do you have a pump? i can pump and we can give it to her" but i didn't have a pump. "well i can nurse her." "that's not too weird for you??" "Well....no." and so Ruby and I nursed for a few minutes and she got some colostrum. Then Lynsey nursed her. I just remember hearing ruby choke like a madman haha. I think I was being carted off to an herbal bath though? so i left that scene. the bath was WAY to fn hot. We eventually brought it down to the proper temp though, and i got in. Ruby was handed to me. She nor I really liked it. We both got out after about three minutes.

Taylor came back over as soon as EMS got here. Her husband was getting ready for work when he saw the sirens. She ran over and waited until things calmed down a bit until she went into the room to check on us.

The STITCHING. OH MY GOD. so...since my midwife had to shove both of her hands up my vagina, and my baby had an 18 inch shoulder circumference (roses head was only 14 1/2...), i was pretty well messed up down there. Either my incredibly sensitive friends, or my awesome midwife said "it looks like ground beef." So, yeah. Imagine THAT ladies who haven't had any babies yet!! :) Lori had to lidocane me up first. That hurt like a mother fucking mad man. When i realized she hadn't done the stitches yet, i totally started crying. Taylor was laying down next to me, keeping ruby happy and holding my hand. Eventually though, I squeezed her hand too tightly because she took it away haha. The stitching was worse then anything I would have imagined. I was stitched with rose, and it hurt. but NOT LIKE THIS. these stitches went super far INSIDE, not just the outside. ugh, i'm done talking about the stitches.

so danielle helped clean up (she brought tea through out the labor to everyone too. she did a lot of really nice things...like bring me a huge tray of food after i gave birth), taylor helped clean up (both of them were lucky enough to take turns holding the flash light for lori while she did the stitches). They both ended up going back to their families, lynsey had to go back to her family (with everything going on, we didn't even have time to put the little hat on ruby that kara had knit esp for the birth!). Lori and I talked about the birth for a long time. I was in bad shape. Because honestly? I wasn't scared the entire time. I knew Ruby would fine. I totally trusted Lori, Ruby, Ray and myself that everything was fine. I was hysterically sobbing on lynsey for two reasonsthough, 1, my midwife had just ripped my baby out of my vagina. and 2, EMS had just been called to what was supposed to be a medical staff free birth. So we talked about everything that had happened. I don't want to relive it all, but basically..the same damn thing would have happened if i were to have given birth in a hospital (because lets face it, i would NOT have let them induce me any earlier), except in a hospital they would have taken my baby away from me as soon as she was born and poked and prodded and messed with her to no end. there would have been no mother there to comfort here.

I dreaded talking to family and friends because I didn't really have all the facts down yet. I wasn't quite sure what had happened exactly. So over the course of the next three times I saw lori, I got all of the details straight. and was finally once again, confident in my decision to have a home birth. though i still haven't shared the birth story in its entireity with any body.

I am so thankful that lori is who she is. a lot of other midwives would have just said "well, the baby is stuck" and left it for EMS to take care of. Not lori. She reached right in there and yanked ruby out. Oh, btw...not only was ruby stuck, but her arms were STRAIGHT down the side of her body. and the arms are the only thing that you can drag a baby out by. You can't grab their shoulders, neck or head. Just the arms. so lori had to go deeeeep inside of me to get to those little hands. anyway, she has been in situations like this before and knew exactly what to do. she also wasn't afraid to call EMS. as i have told myself many times "they are they for a reason, thank god we didn't need them though!"

Fast foward a bit, when ruby was four days old, we took her to our family doctor. she was worried about how fast ruby was breathing. So we went and had a blood test done (ruby had inhaled meconium and she also had meconium stained amniotic fluid) to make sure there was no infection and also an xray to make sure there was no fluid in her lungs. I was also curious to see if there was any damage to her clavical from getting stuck/being pulled out. Everything came back fine and about a week later her breathing was okay.

This little girl is SO different from rose. She is happy, smiling. Laughing!! hardly ever cries. she is my perfect bundle of <3. Except the only reason im taking the time to write this is becuase her 21 pound ass has thrown my back out of whack! so im confined to the laptop! she seems to have plateaued at 21 though...so maybe my back won't get WORSE? she nurses like a champ, where as rose would only nurse until she was 2 months old. after that, she WOULD NOT NURSE. So i pumped for 10 months for her. I don't foresee any problems with ruby any time soon.

okay, my back is hurting. so this is as good as it gets folks.

how could i forget to mention ray? he was the most important part of this. he was my rock. he is what grounded me. when everybody else was asleep, ray was awake, staring at me. holding my hand. at times he would lay down and rest for the minute and a half between contractions, and then as soon as i started moaning again, he would bounce up and hold my hands, or let me push on him...or whatever i needed. he was ALWAYS there. in early labor, he kept saying "okay, what do you want me to do next? what do you need?" this husband of mine is amazing.

ray was pretty messed up from seeing his daughter born not breathing and having to help bring her into this world that way. as soon as rose woke up, he went upstairs and sat with her. later he told me that he wished that some one else would have gone upstairs. that he wanted to be down stairs with ruby and i. however, we all thought that him being upstairs was what he needed, a break from all the chaos. i wanted him with me so badly, but i knew rose needed someone to watch her and i really figured he needed a break :/ kara ended up picking rose up later that day (ruby was born at seven thirty in the morning) so that ray could get a few hours of sleep in (did he sleep? i dont remember).

For a few hours, I thought Ray was upset with me for everything that had happened. Obviously, I hadn't taken good enough care of myself, if i had gestational diabetes towards the end creating this HUGE monster baby that got stuck. And I was also feeling really depressed about the entire experience. Like, I SHOULD have been able to deliver her on my own. I was disappointed in myself and figured he was disappointed in me as well. But we talked about everything, and it was okay. He wasn't upset or angry. Just scared. That was a huge weight lifted.

some birth photos http://www.facebook.com/#!/album.php?aid=2031037&id=1076720712
slideshow of birth photos set to music http://www.dfwbirthphotographer.com/RubyJessica.html

ruby was 11 pounds 8 ounces. her birth name is ruby jessica lillibridge. but she mostly goes by "Ruby Ru" "Rubes McGoobs" and "Stinks McGinks." To rose, she is known as "baby ruby."
I woke up at eight today. I rolled Rose over and nursed her because I wanted to get an early start on today. It's rainy and grey out, which means Rose will usually sleep in. My plan was to nurse her and wake her up. So I nursed her and she flopped around the bed for a while (she'll sit up and then fall back down cuddling into the blankets/me for usually 15 mins every morning before she climbs down off the bed). Then she flopped down next to my head. I massaged her legs and arms while she hummed and sucked on her paci. We were both in heaven :) Finally I was like "okay, it's been a while baby, we should wake up!" and when I looked at the clock again it was 9:45! We must have fallen asleep together at some point :) Cute cute cute.

I love my baby so much and can't believe she is a YEAR OLD already. Ray and I were looking at photos from her birthday (monday) and she looks like a three year old in some of them. She's so beautiful....I was trying to visualize what she will look like in a few years. I have no idea, but I know she will always be gorgeous to us :)

Her birthday part is this saturday. I'm pretty excited to have a bunch of babies over for her to play with. The most exciting part is getting all of our friends together though. I so wish our parents and real bff's could be here. I have some really cool friends down here and would love for everyone to meet. All of the grandparents said they would be here for Rose's first birthday, but they lied. I'm kind of pissed about it. At the same time it just makes me want to stay away from Michigan for even longer. Yay cupcake party!
wow, how reassuring. /end sarcasm

GEMINI: If other people are having a hard time with your decisions it’s their problem. It was their choices that led you to this and if they can’t see that, they’re blind. Instead of hanging around trying to make them feel better about it, get on with your own life. In about a month you will be out of here for good or on to bigger and better things. Clean up all your loose ends and save your money. Whatever awaits will require organization and financial backup so stop fooling around, stay clear and start taking yourself seriously.
being a mom IS the most underrated job. Rose is driving me crazy lately. I just feel like if I could have a day to re-group, things would be so much better. this is when I'm missing having family around. I can't imagine how much better of a mental state I would be in if I could leave her at grandmas for 10 hours. I could get so much done around the house too. But oh well, here we are in texass. beautiful weather, ray has a job. life is good :) i can sleep when im dead, right?
i was looking through a price list that theresa sent me about hospital stays for births. and its...laughable! Why the fuck would you want to pay a bunch of fucks a ton of money to do...what exactly? i'm not judging, i try really hard not to at least...but i cannot understand why anyone wants to have a baby in a hospital! except for the "fear factor" portion. and that is very real. people want to feel they are doing the best for their baby. however, if you do your research...you can still feel you are doing the bets for your baby by having a home birth! i cannot imagine spending that much money on a hospital birth!! i was telling ray about the prices and how i thought hospitals were sooo much more expensive then they really are, and how i felt like i lied to him (way back in the day i told him hospitals were expensive compared to home births, that was one of the reasons he agreed to a homebirth in the very first place...now i don't think he would LET me give birth in a hospital). he pointed out that i was probably looking at prices in california and that even though roses birth cost overall like 4500 or whatever, that included prenatal. in the last two months alone when they (your doctor or a midwife) want to see you every single week, that's $160 ($20 a visit). plus any additional testing they want to do to you. I'm RETARDED and know that eventually (why am i not on birth control again?) we will have another kid. So I have been thinking about who I want our next midwife to be and how I want the pregnancy to go.
baby shizzCollapse )
HOLY FUCK! we've got 8500 in our bank account! hahahaha. that's awesome. it's all accounted for already, so that part kind of sucks. but yaaaaayyy monies! we are going to buy a king sized bed from ikea this weekend so that ray and i can actually sleep together again :) he says rose and i take up too much room so he's been sleeping in the guest bedroom. hopefully we can all fit now :) if not, at least rose and i will be comfortable...and so spacious! *snicker*

no but seriously, we are going to pay off some debt with this money. so it's not like i'll even be able to really enjoy it. i already have enjoyed it! hence the debt haha. i'm really excited about the new bed though!

Rose is signing "all done" and i think it's the cutest thing ever. she does it without be prompted. she also signs milk, but not often. and we have to do it first. she's in her room (this whole area is baby safe for her to wander around while im pumping) screaming "mama!! maaa maaa!" which is adorable. since all she usually says is "dada!"

we are also getting uverse today. though, i'm fine without it. i've just been watching a lot of movies with netflix, library and going through our collection of 1,100 dvds. ray however NEEDS to watch his wings games :) tv schmeevee!! :)

facebook is awesome. i talk to so many people that i otherwise wouldn't talk to. i can't decide if it's a good thing or not though. i feel that my social quota is full since i talk to all of those yokels. but really, i'm seeing less people in person. so...eh. it's got its postives and negatives i guess :)

I think rose is stuck, shes squeeling. either that or chasing a kitty. heh.
i never knew i could be so bored. i'm doing a "pump-in" where I pump for at least five minutes every single hour to try to get my supply up. I'm searching through peoples pictures on facebook, i've read every single possible thread in my co-op community, myspace is fucking gay as always. IM SOOO BORED! hah

and it's so hot here. I am going to shower and then run around like the naked hippy that I am as soon as I'm done with this pumping session.

Ray took Pepe to the vet this morning. she was put down immediately :( He then buried her when he got home. And built a little cross for her. Ray has built too many crosses since we've been together... we discovered lice (species specific) on her last night. They had her COVERED. Treatment for lice is too rigourous on a dying rattie. Between that, her two gigantic tumors and her congestive heart failure...we decided to put her down. R.I.P. Pepe Rattie. I hope you are no longer suffering <3

Now we need to find a new home for Mochi. She hates us and I don't have the time to socialize her. Awful, I know. So shoot me.
im sick. in massive pain right now. i'm having a hard time being a mom and wife while being sick. I stopped taking all of my medicines/supplements and im sure THATS taking a toll on me too.

Supply is f'd up. Life if depressing. I am chained to this house lately either because im unexpectedly peeing from my butt (I GOTS THE POOPS!) or because i have to pump every three hours so i'm not hanging out with anybody. and even if i were hanging out with anybody, everyone I know down here is FUCKING DEPRESSING. I have no one in my life who is humurous anymore except ray. I miss friends that make me laugh.
i realized tonight that my house looks exactly like those peoples houses who i don't like going over. there are crumbs on the counter, on the stove. the upstairs bathroom hasn't been vacuumed since before i left for michigan (over a month). the same goes for the upstairs living room...ya know, the place where rose gets cheerios all over the floor (we lay a sheet down for her though, so i dont feel so bad).

cleaning is not my priority right now. not being stressed out so that my milk supply comes back is my priority. but...it's been a month and i can't seem to get it up. so i think it's just fucked for good? I am barely getting enough milk for her to eat. we still use our freezer stash every once in a while. i've been trying to shovel more solids down her throat, but she simply has no real interest. she eats maybe a few bites here and there through out the day. i asked ray tonight "what are we going to do? go to formula?" and he said "we'll use up our freezer stash and then decide from there i guess."

speaking of ray, he is stressed out as fuck. i feel bad because, generally...i'm really happy right now. life is great. i would almost not change a thing (milk supply, crazy mother).

Rose and I have been going for afternoon walks, before her nap time. It was 78 degrees outside today. I was sweating by the time I got back home! yay texas warm weather :)